My Sunshine

One day I found myself longing to talk to a stranger
Someone who wouldn’t give a damn about what I’m going to say
And then I met you
A complete stranger from thousands of miles away
I had no intention of talking to you
Maybe you would ask why?
I got intimidated by your profile
I thought someone like you might not have time for someone like me
But then I was wrong
I was happy when I received your first ever message
That excitement of chatting with someone from the other side of the world
And with different time zone
I honestly don’t know why I’m writing this
But all I know is that
I’m really glad I met you
I love that I know of someone who doesn’t hold back
When he knows he can uplift someone with what he’s going to say
Most of the time I can’t frame my thoughts well
I can’t exactly tell you what I want to say
But this time I want to keep it as simple as possible
T H A N K   Y O U
For being a positive impact on my life
For making me believe in myself again
For inspiring me to try to keep getting better
For letting me sing no matter how awkward it can sometimes get
I wouldn’t have posted that video on FB
If it weren’t for the encouraging words that you always give me
Maybe those are just small things for others or even for you
But for me, they mean so much
You may ask, “How did I do those things?”
Hmmm, I honestly don’t know too
But then again, I just want to thank you
For being the sunshine in my gloomy days just by simply being you…

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Afraid Of Losing You When You’re Not Even Mine

To someone special,

I can still remember the first time I’ve known you. I was so down, I have so much to share but I can’t talk about it with the people around me. I know they will listen to me but I also know that they all have their own problems and issues. And so I want someone who doesn’t know me at all. Less judgment because who cares about a stranger venting out, right?

Being so desperate of wanting to talk to a complete stranger, I dialed up a website. I browsed through the profiles and saw one who seems to be nice and friendly. I added him and sent my first ever message. Then searched for “nice and friendly” profile again. This time, I stumbled upon yours and added you, but I got a bit intimidated by your profile so I didn’t find the courage to send you a message.

The following day, I was surprised to receive your message thanking me for adding you up. I replied and talk a bit about myself too. You replied again but after that, I completely forgot about the site. After almost two months,  I tried logging in to the site and replied to your last message and gave my email address in case you still want to connect with me. But honestly, I’m no longer expecting any reply from you since I kind of ghosted you.

About half a month after that, I was surprised to receive an email from you! And from then on, we were able to consistently correspond through email. I am really thankful that I did send you a message despite being super delayed.

I know you won’t be able to read this. And that is the reason why I’m brave enough to write about this now. It has been exactly a year ago since we met and there are so many things that I want to tell you. As months pass by, you are becoming more and more special to me. You have a way of making me really happy. I may not have the kind of voice that most female singers have but because of you, I can now sing confidently even when there are a lot of people who can hear my voice. You’re also the reason I was able to learn to play the guitar. And you know what I really can’t forget? It’s when I told you I wasn’t feeling good and you asked me what’s wrong and kept on saying that If I wanted to talk about it you’re there for me. I shared with you something that’s bothering me, and instead of being indifferent or turned off, you listened and still find me as a wonderful person. At that exact moment, my heart melted. Until now I didn’t know why you find me that way but what I knew since then was that you’re someone that I didn’t want to lose.

Of all the people I met on that website, you’re the only one who never left. And I must admit, I’m getting scared. Scared because I’m starting to care for you this much. I can’t blame myself for feeling this because you’re such a kind soul. I want to get to know you more. I want us to be closer, to the point that somehow you’ll also feel what I’m feeling right now…

With much love,
Weng ♥

Fallin’

I wish I can tell you how much I appreciate you and how you always make me happy by just asking how my day was. That every time you message me, I felt that I matter. It’s such a nice feeling especially because I’m used to being ignored and taken for granted.

Hearing the sound of birds always reminds me of you. Because I know you love it and it relaxes you. If only I can record and send you the chirping of birds every single day, I would just so I can make you feel special too.

If only I have the courage to initiate a conversation, I would message you every morning and night so you know that you’re my first thought in the morning and my last before I go to sleep. I love talking to you but every time we talk, I can’t gather my thoughts well because I’m so high about the reality of you making time for me.

Maybe it’s wrong for me to feel this way but I can’t help it. As months pass by, I’m becoming more attached. I know I may get hurt but it’s okay. I just want you to know that you are so special to me. I don’t want to lose you and I hope you’ll stay… even as just a friend.

When God Speaks

bible

I admit that I always pray but I haven’t read my bible for a very long time now. And today, I saw it on the altar and grabbed it. Upon opening, I saw this page from the book of Joshua chapter 1, and verse 5 was highlighted. Maybe I highlighted it before when I was still active in prayer meetings and bible study.

My bible was written in Tagalog but in English, the verse says, “No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

I stopped for a while and then I felt that God spoke to me today through that verse. I was really anxious for the past few weeks. I was worried about everything and at times paranoid for nothing. There were days when I wanted to speak to someone about what I was going through but I always ended up keeping things to myself. And most of the time I would just cry it out at night when I’m praying. He is always there whenever I have no one to turn to. And I love that I can talk to Him without the need to filter what I have to say because I know that He will understand where I’m coming from. Sometimes I would even question Him for allowing certain things to happen and why life can get really unfair. At times I would even get mad but He never fails to make me feel that He loves me despite everything. I can’t explain the feeling but as I pray and cry to Him, I would feel peace and warmth and it’s like He’s embracing me with so much love.

I’ve been an active member of a Catholic community before and served under the dance ministry but some things happened and it was like I turned my back on Him. I stopped serving and stopped going to church regularly. I’ve known the truth but still chose to live with lies. And this time that I decided to lift up to Him something that has caused me to go astray, He showed me Joshua 1:5. When I needed it the most, God reassured me that He is and will always be in control.

Jaded

Some of us have a hard time believing that we are actually able to face our own pain. We have convinced ourselves that our pain is too deep, too frightening, something to avoid at all costs. Yet if we finally allow ourselves to feel the depth of that sadness and gently let it break our hearts, we may come to feel a great freedom, a genuine sense of release and peace, because we have finally stopped running away from ourselves and from the pain that lives within us.

I came across this excerpt from the book Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood by Wayne Muller and it really resonated with me. But this is not about my childhood, it was something that I experienced about a year ago.

For a week I was confused and totally lost. I would always cry myself to sleep and in the morning I would wish that I never woke up again. Yes… I know… I was pathetic. Yet, I needed to act like everything’s okay. I would put on a smile but deep inside I was so broken. I would keep myself busy trying to distract myself but always ended up feeling wasted.

I decided to write about this today because it was exactly a year ago when I tried to run away from my family because of my foolishness in love. My feelings really consumed me. I became stubborn and irrational that I didn’t think about what my family will feel. I left home and did something that I thought was right at that time. I was away from home for about a month. I decided to come back when I finally realized that the love of my family is enough. If someone dumped me, then I should just accept it, grieve, rise up again and move forward with my life.

It’s hard to move on from a failed decade-long relationship which almost ended up in marriage. But life will become harder if you will continue to insist yourself to someone who no longer shares the same vision or just simply not on the same page with you anymore. I know I’ve already done everything I can to save the relationship so I didn’t have regrets. A friend told me that I should thank my ex for saving me from a relationship that will be watered down in the end. I think it’s true. The right person will never give up on you and your relationship no matter how hard the circumstances can get.

Currently, I am completely comfortable with being single. I no longer waste my time worrying about someone not calling or texting me when he promised he would. I’m already used to waking up in the morning without a good morning text or in the evening, without a good night and I love you text. I can now do things on my own, enjoy going to places and meeting new people without wishing that he was there too. And that was very liberating!

I may not be fully healed yet but I know that I’m getting there. God will never allow things to happen if they aren’t for our best interest. For now, I just need to focus on myself to become a better version of me. Because I believe that God’s blessings will come upon us once we’re really ready to receive them.

My First GK Experience

“We don’t meet people by accident, they are meant to cross our path for a reason.”

Last April, I joined a tour bound to Sagada Mountain Province. I met new people and even added some on Facebook. Little did I know that one of them will be an instrument for me to finally be a part of something that I really wanted to do a long time ago.

I’ve always wanted to do volunteer works especially house build activities of Gawad Kalinga (GK) and last June 30, that dream finally came true. Lyka (the one I met in Sagada) and I went to a GK site in Dasmarinas Cavite. There I met some of her friends and other volunteers, most of them are students.

We proceeded to the different activities that one may prefer to join. You can help in tree planting, house build or teaching and playing with kids. Although I love kids so much, I chose to join in house build activity this time.

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After shoveling under the heat of the sun, I suddenly felt really dizzy and had blurred vision. I got scared because I don’t want to be a “burden” to anyone since I came there to volunteer. I told myself I can do it so I just stopped for a while but I didn’t tell anyone what I was feeling. When the people I’m working with said we can already start shoveling on the next part, that’s when I felt I was about to collapse so I asked my co-volunteer next to me if he can guide me to the side because I almost can’t see anything. Someone gave me water and said that I can take a rest first. I didn’t even see his face. Thank God after about 10 minutes or so, I was feeling better. I wanted to help again but it started to drizzle so we went back to the resting area instead. And there I met two beautiful kids who asked me to take photos with them.

with kids in gawad kalinga cavite

It rained really hard after that so we just decided to have lunch while waiting for the rain to stop. I love the simplicity of everyone I met there. We just had instant noodles and canned goods for lunch but I cherished that moment because even though we didn’t know each other, we’re eating together and sharing some stories and there’s no awkward feeling at all.

gawad kalinga volunteers eating lunch together

After we had our lunch, the rain stopped too and we just took a rest then headed back to work. Here are the pictures in the second half of the day:

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We finished at around 5pm and just had a closing ceremony where the organizers thank all of us in helping them out in that event. I was really inspired by the dedication of the people that I met and talked to. It re-ignited the spirit of volunteerism in me. This event reminded me that we don’t always need to give material things in order to help others. By just simply being there and offering our time and working hands, we can make a difference in other people’s lives.

men and women volunteers of gawad kalinga house building activity17

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It was a very tiring but definitely a meaningful and productive day. And because of this event, I appreciate the construction workers more. I woke up the following morning with body pains but I also woke up to messages of new friends that I met in the event. Will I do it again? Definitely!! 🙂

To know more about Gawad Kalinga, you can visit their website at http://www.gk1world.com/home